Beautiful Things

Last night, I had the priviledge to share my story with a group of teenage girls who are desperate for feeling like they mean something, to someone.

As a teenager, I wasn't popular, I felt ugly and I felt unworthy. I went to a small Christian school, and boys didn't pay attention to me... one time at summer camp, they even dared one of their friends to come up to me and tell me that he had a crush on me... it was a joke.
My self-esteem at that time was low and I didn't think anyone would ever love me.
My aunt was also battling cancer at the time and honestly, I thought that it would be better if God took me instead of her. I saw all the pain it caused everyone... and I figured that if it were me, it wouldn't matter. She passed away...
I started cutting myself.

The girls in the room... so many of them started crying. My heart broke, I struck a nerve.
I read some scriptures how God forgives and Jer. 31:34 - He forgives all their sins, He will remember them no more. I told them, if God can do that for a nation, He surely can do it for you.
I desperately wanted them to know that they are all beautiful and loved and forgiven.

I still screw up too, you know? I don't trust that God will always give me what I need. I put my identity in friendships and perhaps even put my worth in the things I do.

In the set, we also shared Psalms 139: 13-18. I wrote a blog a couple months ago about that. Melody told the girls that they are precious daughters of the King.

God moved.
God chose to use me for it.

Afterwards, some girls came up to me and they appreciated so much what I had said and sharing my story... It was like... this instant bond. They trusted me. I had been in their shoes, and I had overcome (with God).

Before the set, I was talking to our contact for the night and he had even mentioned Psalms 139. I knew, right then, that that was confirmation that I was speaking on the right things.

Thank you, Lord for using me. Thank you for speaking through me and giving me peace and courage. Thank you for always being with me. You are GOOD!

Here, Were the Broken

I never wanted a people to believe and understand so much.

I've never really enjoyed the song in our rep, You Are Loved by Heather Williams. Ask anyone on my team, I thought it was cheesy and I would even say so in verbals... they didn't approve of that... I stopped saying that. 

We were at a homeless mission and I came to a new appreciation of the song. Here, were the broken; the people who don't believe they are worth anything... and our society doesn't prove them wrong. Here, were the people who truly do not believe they are loved. I wanted to burst into tears, singing that song. I just wanted them to know the truth. They are loved! 

I've been reading a book called Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. It's kind of about his life... but not really... he's a pretty awesome guy who has a huge heart for the homeless. It's been forming questions in my head as to how to live my life and what we, as Christians are called to. 

Not to make this blog a book review, but... it's passionate and it's been moving me. Some of my ideas may be from this book (I'm saying this because I'm not going to look through it and quote it, but I want to avoid plagiarism).

This is what I've come to realize, we are to be the hands and feet of Jesus. We are to be living sacrifices.

Romans 12:1-2

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God- this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. The you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will."

I also think through my time of reading this book and figuring things out, I've come to understand Jesus more. I've come to more understanding of what God did for us and His grace and mercy through the homeless. 

Jesus did not wait for the broken and hurting people to come to him. No, he went and came along side them. He made them feel worthy, he made them feel loved. That is the God I serve, and that is what I am called to do. There is nothing more important in my mind, than loving the people that God created. 

At the mission, God broke my heart. After I got through that song and had a break in the set, I was able to go "backstage" and just... cry. Cry for the broken and pray that God would move. 

I pray that they will not be unchanged. I pray that in the morning, they don't forget the things we've said and these seeds are watered and nurtured. 

Plans

There's a man in the Bible. It's either Elijah or Elisha... I never remember which one.
But, this man was afraid to do the work set before him. He wanted to know God's plans for him. But, God told him no, he would give him enough that he needed to know for today.

Let's be honest... if we knew where we would be 10, 20 years from now, we would be terrified. I think about 10 years ago. I was 12, if I knew this whole traveling and singing thing was gonna happen... I would be terrified and maybe I would have never pursued music the way I have. But God prepares the way for us.

I was talking to a host mom recently and she came here from Finland. She was telling me about her jobs and how English was hard for her when she got here (of course). She answered phones for a while; first at a real estate job answering two lines. Then, a doctor's office answering 3. Lastly, she worked at a seminary, operating a switchboard with 60 outgoing and 8 incoming calls.
I thought it was so awesome to hear that and how God prepared her for that job. Now, she is a lovely stay at home mom and has taken care of this sick singer.

You Are What You Eat

Psalm 139: 13-18

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand- when I awake, I am still with you."

How beautiful these words are and how off guard did they took me... 

As a team, we try to have team devos at least once a week and we each take turns leading them. This past week, Chris shared a study on prayer he had been working on. We looked at several examples throughout the Bible. I happened to read Psalm 139 and I nearly teared up reading those words.

You know the saying, you are what you eat? I believe this applies to more than just food. It applies to what we put inside of us. I'll be honest, I don't always listen to the most "Christian" music. I listen to the radio, I listen to the stupid pop songs by Katy Perry and I've heard "Call Me, Maybe" a time or two. 

I'm not trying to say anything against these artists. But, these songs are not the most edifying. One year during college I took a... let's say... secular music fast. All I listened to was Christian songs... and some of these songs are the cheesiest thing of my life. But, I noticed a change in my attitude. I was more positive, my thoughts were more God-centered and when I walked into stores, that play heaven knows what, I was kind of disgusted. I don't think it's an awful thing to listen to secular music. But, I think we should be good stewards of what we are listening to. 

Now... back to being what you're eating. During training even, we have talked about the times we are the most stressed and the days we are having the worse days... how do you act in those moments? Those are the times our true selves come out. We have reached the point of bubbling over and everything that has been going on inside is going to come out. 

I constantly struggle with insecurities. I struggle with feeling loved by others and accepting that love. Lately, I've been struggling with my identity in God and trusting Him with my future. 

I read out loud, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Somehow, that hit me more than it ever has before. Maybe, maybe I've never said those words out loud before. There's power behind words, especially when they are said out loud or in person. I imagine this is partly why people go to confession. The Bible itself says, when we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive them; it's cleansing. 

Something I have thought for a while but have never gotten around to doing is keeping the things God says about me, perhaps in a journal or somewhere I can read them and read them, over and over and over again until it is ingrained in me... I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

God's Will

Yesterday, we were sent to a retreat for 5th and 6th graders. Little did we know, we are also the team leaders for the teams. Luckily, it's only 8 kids we're looking after.
Today, a couple of the kids performed a skit. In this skit, a girl was praying to God for guidance on what college she should attend. She wished that God would just speak clearly. God was listening, and they proceeded to have a conversation. God asked her about her plans for the next couple days, her plans included meeting up with her friends who talked badly about their teachers and not doing her homework so she could watch a television show instead. God told her, "No, those are not my plans for you, I want you to find new friends, I want you to sit with the "rejects" at lunch, I don't want you to date that boy anymore." She protested, "But, who am I going to hang out with?" and  "I've been dating Tony for 6 months."
God wasn't being unreasonable, and He told her, "I know, it's going to be hard."
She protested again, "I don't want to know your will for my every day things, I want to know your will for the big decisions in life!"
"Oh, I see... you just want to do My will when it lines up with yours."
"Yes."
"Well, that doesn't leave us much to talk about then, does it?"

It was a humorous skit. But, I couldn't help thinking about the application.
When we do God's will in the small things, the big things seem to also come.

Dependency

Our ministry focuses on being a servant first and a musician second. 

Our job is to pour into others. I learned quickly in the beginning of this tour how much I need to depend on God. I was trying so hard to love on people and have patience with my teammates all on my own strength and on my own love. I could not do it. My love, my strength is not good enough. I'm not even sure how I got this far. 

Throughout tour we've had more opportunities than the usual concerts to minister and build relationships. We just finished leading worship at a retreat for youth who are military kids. We were able to hang out with them, and learn about our walks in Christ with them. A couple weeks ago we were able to help out with an after school program in a trailer park. These ministries are the ones that inspire me. 

I don't know if that's a bad thing... I love CTI and what CTI does and stands for and I love being able to use God's gift of music in this fashion. But, I also enjoy getting my hands dirty, I like being more hands on versus standing and singing in front of the congregation. 

This weekend was a very special one to all of us on 14:21. The children were inspiring to say the least. There was a 14 year old finishing up his third time through the Bible. I am 22 and have been a Christian most of my life and I have yet to read through the Bible once. 

I love that in ministry, God knows when to fill our cups. I love that when we depend on Him and go to prayer before Him, He blesses us more than we can imagine. I think we came in with a mindset to bless, but I feel as if we were blessed much more in return. The kids absolutely loved that we were there. I don't think I'm alone in saying that we all learned from them, or at the very least were encouraged and inspired by their walks and their faith in God. 

My prayer is that they will continue to grow in the love of God and seek His face everyday, just as I am learning to do. 

Children of God

One of our first concerts this tour was to a group of sexual offenders at a mental hospital.
This was hard for me to wrap my head around... I've known a couple people who have been molested as children. I thought of those loved ones as we started our concert and as I looked at these men who have hurt children... and honestly, I wanted to be mad and a part of me did not want to be there.
It was while we performed a song by Heather Williams called "You are Loved." I came to the realization that these men are children of God and they are in need of a Savior as much as I am. It broke my heart...
The thing with these men is that most of them had been molested themselves. It's kind of all they have known, and the way their minds work... they don't know any better.
I'll tell you another thing, they were one of the most appreciative group we have ever been in front of. They worshipped with us, and they blessed my heart.

Next time, I come to a situation where I am quick to judge. I hope to remind myself that the people involved are hurting and children of God that need His love, just as much as I.